The End of Exclusivity

Well, I tried…  I tried really, REALLY hard…  For almost three months, I worked my ass off to provide nourishment, nutrition, and every meal for my little girls, from my own milk.  I was SO proud of my body that it could provide such an important thing to not only one baby, but two!  What an amazing experience it has been, though challenging at times, one that will not quickly be forgotten.  Day after day, I went through the hassles of making sure to pump every 3 hours, plan my schedule around this god-awful machine, feed my babies from an arm’s length so that the continuous suction could build up supply for their next meal.  But, no more.  I have not “dried up”, but something certainly happened over the weekend to cause my supply to diminish down to maybe one bottle a session.  It’s interesting that this happened at the end of the very first week I went back to work, and it wasn’t even a full week.  I believe I have stressed so much about it that my body is telling me to relax, don’t worry, and focus on spending more quality time with my girls (now that it’s limited), rather than that machine. 

It’s just so hard to admit defeat…  I KNOW that breast feeding is the absolute best thing for those girls and nothing can replace that milk perfectly, but I also know that I have to accept what comes, know that I tried my hardest, and be happy with how far I made it.  I know that many women try and try so desperately to breast feed, but from the very beginning cannot produce enough for one baby.  So, I should be so proud in the fact that I was able to exclusively provide for TWO babies for the time that I did.  I will most certainly continue to nurse both of them but at this point it will become more for comfort and bonding than anything else.  At least I still have that, because it is such a beautiful thing and I would miss it so dearly!

On a positive note, I must say, there are some very important Pros to no longer having to provide them every meal from my own body:

1. No more living my life around that pump!!  Every time I left the house I had to count the hours, plan my schedule around it, and make sure I was home in time to pump before I was in too much pain!  Once I hit the 3 hour mark, the entire rest of the time out, I was stressing about when I could get home.  Yes, there were times I could take the pump with me and do it on the go, but that really depended on what I was doing and where I would be.  Most places are way too much of a hassle.  Also, now that I’m back at work, it’s become one more thing to carry with me on the bus, and with all the stuff I have for the day, it’s like I’m going on a weekend trip!  What freedom this will bring!!!
2. More direct feedings and time with Emily and Taylor, rather than scheduling my time with them around the pump.  There have been many times where I’ve felt it’s just not fair that Scott, or other people who are visiting get to hold my girls or feed my girls because I need to go upstairs to pump for 20 or 30 minutes.  That’s 20 or 30 minutes that I’m losing out on bonding with them, cuddling, talking to them, and teaching them things.  It will be wonderful to always be available to them during the limited time that I now have since I’ve gone back to work.  If most of my milk was coming from bottles anyway, the bonding time with them seems SO much more important than the fact that they’re solely getting milk rather than formula.  It will also be so much better to hold them close when I’m feeding them, which they enjoy so much more, rather than propped on a pillow in front of me because the pump is in the way of having them held in my arms (which is where they’re supposed to be!!)
3. I can start running again!  Full boobs and jogging just don’t mix…
4. WINE!!!  I will be able to enjoy my wine again, guilt free!

Now the Cons, of course:

1. Breast milk is supposed to be the absolute best nutrition for my babies and all I want them to have is the best, to ensure they grow health, smart and strong.  It builds their immune systems and develops their bodies in miraculous ways.  This is a huge deal to me and the main thing I think about when having to give it up.
2. $$$$ - Breast milk was FREE!
3. Diet.  I have been consciously eating well, knowing that the food will nourish not only me but the girls too.  I’m afraid that if I only have my health to look out for, I’ll go back to my old ways and all this weight that breast feeding helped me lose will come back.
4. Formula smells so horrible!  Milk smells sweet and fresh.
5. Formula does not provide the perfect nutrition for my babies…but I guess it’s close enough.  So many people I know that were not able to breast feed have amazing, intelligent, healthy children.

I really did not mean for this post to be this long, but this is obviously such an important topic for me that I really had to get all of my thoughts out.  It was actually a way for me to feel better about this situation and not beat myself up too bad over it.  It has helped me emotionally just writing these thoughts out.  I’ve come to see that this blog is for me, more than anyone else.  You just get the benefit of my journal being public!  It’s so therapeutic and frees my mind, to be able to write my thoughts and get them out of my head.  Also, what a great way to remember thoughts during this crazy and amazing time so I can read through in a few months, a year, a few years, and never forget all these feelings and memories.

Thanks for listening,

Mrs. J